Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
