My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
