I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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