Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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