He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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