I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
