I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
