i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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