you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
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