My pussy is not your playground.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Randomize
