Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
found the other keg... it's in the tree
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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