Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
