I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
