I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
