It's like a parade of train wrecks.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
