I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
