I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
