it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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