omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
