I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
