OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
