Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
