I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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