i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
