I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
