i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
