You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Randomize
