I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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