when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
