Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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