I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
