question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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