Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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