I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
