I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm both gender and math confused
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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