I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
