this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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