I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
