Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
