we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
