Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
