I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
