The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
