the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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