I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
