It's like God shit irony all over that family
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
