The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
