i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
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