I think I died a long time ago.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
