Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
