his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
